Do You Have to Pretend to Be Interested When Networking?
You attend a networking event because you want to meet new people.
Someone introduces themselves. You exchange a few pleasantries, and the conversation begins.
They start talking about their work, their business or something they are passionate about.
You listen politely, smile and ask another question.
But there is a problem.
You are not particularly interested in the subject, and you are struggling to think of what to say next.
So you continue asking questions, hoping the conversation will eventually become more interesting.
Before long, networking starts to feel like a performance.
Why does this happen, and do you really have to pretend to be interested just to have a good conversation?
Why Networking Sometimes Feels Like a Performance
When people attend networking events, they often feel that they are expected to make a good impression.
They want to appear friendly, confident and approachable.
For someone who is naturally quiet or uncomfortable meeting strangers, that expectation can create additional pressure.
Instead of concentrating on the person standing in front of them, they begin concentrating on their own performance.
Am I asking the right questions?
Do I sound interesting?
Am I keeping the conversation going?
Should I appear more enthusiastic?
The difficulty is that these concerns can distract you from what the other person is actually saying.
You may be listening for an opportunity to ask your next question rather than listening because you genuinely want to understand the answer.
That is when a conversation can begin to feel unnatural.
Being Polite Does Not Mean Pretending to Be Interested
There is a difference between showing someone courtesy and pretending to share their enthusiasm.
Imagine meeting someone who enjoys a hobby you know very little about.
You may have no intention of taking up that hobby yourself.
But you could still be interested in understanding why that person enjoys it.
Perhaps they find it relaxing. Perhaps it gives them an opportunity to meet friends. Perhaps they started because of an experience that meant something to them.
You do not have to become interested in the hobby itself to become interested in the person's experience.
That distinction gives you another way to approach unfamiliar conversations.
Instead of trying to demonstrate knowledge you do not have, you can explore something you genuinely want to understand.
And if you are not curious about that particular subject, there may be something else about the person that interests you.
The Problem With Asking Questions Just to Keep Talking
Questions are useful when meeting someone.
They help us learn about another person's experiences, interests and perspectives.
But there is a difference between asking because you want to understand and asking simply because you are afraid the conversation will stop.
Consider a conversation that moves through a series of unrelated questions.
What do you do?
How long have you been doing that?
Where is your office?
How many people work there?
Each question may be perfectly reasonable on its own.
But if you move immediately to the next question without responding to what the person has said, the conversation may begin to resemble an interview.
Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2017 found that people who asked more questions, particularly follow-up questions, tended to be better liked during the interactions studied.
One explanation was that relevant follow-up questions communicated responsiveness: the sense that someone was listening and paying attention.
That does not mean asking more questions automatically produces better conversations.
The important point is whether the question grows naturally from what the other person has shared.
A useful follow-up shows that you have heard something worth exploring.
A disconnected question may simply keep the conversation moving without developing it.
Give the Other Person Something to Respond To
A conversation becomes easier to develop when both people contribute.
Suppose someone tells you that they recently started learning photography.
You might be genuinely curious about what made them begin.
After listening to their answer, perhaps you share that you enjoy taking photographs when travelling but have never learnt much about camera settings.
Now the other person has something to respond to.
They might talk about travelling, photography or the experience of learning something new.
The conversation has more than one possible direction.
You are no longer responsible for producing every question.
Research on reciprocal self-disclosure has also found that taking turns sharing personal information can contribute to positive impressions during initial interactions.
Of course, this does not mean you should disclose private information to someone you have only just met.
A small, relevant observation or experience is often enough.
The purpose is to participate in the conversation rather than simply collect answers.
What If You Have Nothing in Common?
Not every person you meet will share your interests.
That is normal.
Someone may work in an industry you know nothing about, enjoy activities you have never tried or hold opinions different from yours.
You do not need to manufacture common interests.
Sometimes, what makes a conversation interesting is discovering how differently two people see the same subject.
You might learn why someone chose their profession, what they enjoy about living in another city or what surprised them when they started a new activity.
You do not have to agree with someone to understand their perspective.
But genuine curiosity also has limits.
If you have explored a subject and neither person seems interested in continuing, there is no reason to force the conversation.
You can acknowledge what they have shared, thank them for the conversation and move on politely.
Ending a conversation naturally is not a networking failure.
Not Every Introduction Needs to Become a Relationship
One reason people feel pressure at networking events is that they expect every conversation to produce something.
A business contact.
A referral.
A future client.
A new friendship.
When every introduction carries an expected outcome, it becomes tempting to keep talking even when there is little mutual interest.
But meeting someone does not create an obligation for either person to develop a relationship.
Sometimes you will meet someone and immediately discover shared interests.
Sometimes a conversation will be pleasant but brief.
Sometimes you will learn something useful from someone you may never meet again.
And sometimes there will simply be very little to discuss.
These are all ordinary outcomes of meeting people.
You can be friendly and respectful without expecting every introduction to become something more.
A More Natural Way to Approach Your Next Conversation
The next time you attend a networking event, consider what you actually want to learn about the people you meet.
You do not need a list of impressive questions.
You may be interested in how people entered their professions, what they have learnt from running a business, why they enjoy a particular activity or what life is like in another city.
Start with a subject that genuinely interests you.
When the other person answers, pay attention to what they have shared.
If something makes you curious, explore it.
If you have a relevant experience or observation, contribute it.
Allow the other person to respond and help determine where the conversation goes.
And when the conversation has reached its natural end, allow it to end.
You do not have to impress everyone you meet.
You also do not have to pretend that every subject interests you.
A useful conversation begins when two people have an opportunity to understand something about one another.
That is enough reason to start talking.
How I Turn Strangers into Friends by KC Low explores starting conversations, developing confidence and building genuine relationships while remaining yourself.
Learn more at https://book.lmadvice.com/.